The last two days I have felt like crud. The cruddiest crud. But nothing really outward to speak of. Mostly just the blahs, tired, exhausted, zero energy. And, being continuously critical of myself that I can't do it all. I hold myself to a standard that I cannot attain. And I am constantly wondering why I cannot meet that albiet unattainable mark.
Why can't I be all things to all people?
Why am I not a better friend?
Why do I not spend more time working out?
Why do I not always have dinner on the table at 5 pm?
Why do I always have dirty laundry hanging around?
Why is there always clutter on my counter? Dust on my floors?
Why does it seem my Husband always winds up dealing with a tired bundle of wife?
Why is working the job I do not easy?
Why is my wardrobe not more carefully crafted?
Why is my hair too this or too that?
Why is Jesus not always my first priority?
Why can I not find more time?
Why am I discontented?
So days were spent wallowing. Wondering. Trying to find ways to do it all. Read this magazine, get advice from that woman, make another list. There has to be a way!
And then, slowly.
And almost hesitantly.
The grace that Jesus has planted in me, deep down in my soil. The grace He desperately hoped I would cling to, set my sights on attaining above all the others items on my list. I hear His voice strongly telling me to let it go. That my worth is in Him and not earned by being the perfect woman, the strongest woman, the "has-it-all-together" woman. Instead I will hold myself to a standard of grace, not perfection.